I just saw a hot homeless man
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
