I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
