No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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