I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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