i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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