Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
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