does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
