dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
