I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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