come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
