I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
