I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
