Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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