I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
