Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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