I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
