My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
