Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
