My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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