I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
