I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I AM VODKA MAN
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
