My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
