the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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