There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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