Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
The Olympian is in my bed
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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