I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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