We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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