I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
