Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
