ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
