New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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