I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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