Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
