Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
