My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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