Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
