Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
