Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
