there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
