I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
