apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
It was like getting head from an anaconda
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
