At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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