You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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