Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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