My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
