I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize