i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
