apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
