We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
