Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
