FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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