If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Im part way to drunk.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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