i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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