I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
